What does it mean?

I am not a religious person, nor am I really a believer in things such as "fate". I dont like the idea that I am not in control of my own destiny. I dont like to think that no matter what in the end it is not up to me, and worst of all, everything has been predestined to happen that way all ready. I feel that doesn't allow enough possibility for the totality of human expression. But I digress...the reason these things are on my mind is because there have been a few notable times in my life where I feel things are coalescing, that is to say many things seem to be intersecting. Now if I was a religious person I may say God is sending me a sign, but I am not...therefore I think it is just that my brain is making connections between things that are happening around me. There was a funeral for the mother of one of Youth on Monday. I didnt know the mother was sick, I got a text shortly after I woke up monday morning from a coworker telling me about the death and offering me a ride to go to the "wake" for lack of a better english term. There have actually been quite a few deaths surrounding marakz folks these past two months, or at least that is what it seems like. In addition to the deaths, and this one which was particularly powerful since I took part in the funeral rituals, there have been some seemingly big changes/occurrences. I feel like my life is rapidly approaching a cross roads, lately I have kind of felt that my life lacks direction or purpose, I thought that would come with this job, and it has to a certain extent, at least I am in the "real world" so to speak but I still feel antsy, feel worried, feel like I do not know what I am supposed to be doing...feel like I am not really accomplishing anything. I feel like there is an earthquake about to happen, I do not know how to describe it other than that. I have been attempting to follow the uprising in Jerusalem over these past few days as closely as possible. It sounds ridiculous to say but all of these things seem interconnected for me, I feel like I want to do something more, something bigger, something more global and connected. I feel like I am wasting my time discussing assonance and consonance with youth, there are more important things for them. There are more important things for all of us, why cant we harness it? Why do I constantly feel like something is missing, like I could be doing something more or something different. I want to also do more with the youth, I feel like we could be harnessing their life experiences and backgrounds more. What if we had a political education class as part of the program? A way to provide political analysis for the real life situations that the youth live everyday. Its not about "teaching" or "empowering" these kinds have the power, they dont need anyone to give it to them, they dont need anyone to teach them anything. Rather its just political analysis, something that they sure as hell arent going to learn in school, something that is deliberately not introduced to them. There are so many conversations I want to sit down and have with these youth, I feel like they have been robbed of their true identities. Robbed of the possibility to see anything bigger, anything larger, or to be able to examine their lives, why they are the way they are. Instead they have been inundated with the same personal responsibility, work hard for the American dream, bullshit and are convinced that things either happen in a vacuum or are completely unrelated to one another. Perhaps I have come off sounding high and mighty, that is the opposite of what I| am trying to do. Because the reality is I dont have anything to offer the youth I work with, they have it all, they have the absolute most valuable thing for them...their life experience. I dont got that, and shit my life is not one to be teaching from. Instead what I can offer is just a different angle to look at things, which is to say I dont offer anything that someone couldnt get from just tilting their head or adjusting the light level...its not about what I have to offer, because this narrative is theirs...not mine. But then again what is my narrative? What will my tombstone read on it when I'm dead...actually scratch that I dont want a tomb stone, I dont even need a marked grave, but what will my name mean in the minds of those who knew me? What am I supposed to be doing to get this feeling of urgency and hesitancy to go away? Yeah I definitely feel there is an earthquake coming and I dont know what is going to make it and what is going to be rebuilt...but maybe that is for the best

-M7