Life in Contradictions

It seems that so much around me is full of contradictions lately. Things at the Markaz are well, comparatively I suppose. Work is not hard, its easy to go in everyday and chat it up for 3-4 hours with the womyn I work with before actually doing anything for the day. Everyone there intrigues me. H and I had a long conversation about what it was like the last time we returned back to our respective "homelands". We talked about desolation, destituteness, idleness. No hope, no change, people hustling to survive day to day. Its destroyed our culture, people have become selfish, capitalism is an amazing force. Arabs in the Arab world that exist in a capitalist, or often times psuedo-capitalist economy that was largely built on former or current colonial powers go through some horrific transformation. Our entire lives have been commodified, our interactions our daily tasks all come to serve the all-mighty dollar. I had never really thought about it in depth before H had said the simple phrase "Everyone is so Selfish" and after all she is right. Arab culture is something that makes me think generosity, frugality, and a true understanding in the dualism of the power and powerlessness of money and material. Perhaps its due to a strong influence of religiouness, perhaps due to other factors such as a culture and people evolving in an area of scarcity and abundance these contradictions that have shaped our culture for thousands of years. But this has now changed, everything is commodities, everything is prices, everything rises and falls with the New York or London stock exchange. No one helps their neighbor anymore, no one is generous towards strangers, things have just deteriorated. How can I know this with out having gone back for almost 6 years now? Because this same mentality has followed and manifested itself within the Arab-American community. The Arab-Americans are often like crabs in a bucket, we act as leaches on other poor communities in some areas, we act as each others enemies, the stories of generosity and the fleeting value of money are just that...stories, the reality has now become different. There is some glimmer of hope I suppose tho, there are still little actions. Muhammad at the bakery today took my loose change that totaled probably 36 cents and counted it as 50 in the Cash register so I wouldnt have to break a larger bill. He smiled at me and said not to worry about it. True its only 14 cents but beyond that is something deeper, something latent, thousands of years in the making, 14 cents is small change but there was something much more valuable about that interaction, and that unfortunately is something that is not repeated often. H's aunt passed away this morning as well, she was sick with cancer and it was not like it was unexpected but still. H seemed not hit by it yet, which is of course understandable, she came into work and just mentioned it in passing to R. R had a similar story to share, that a friend of her brother who lives out in TN died yesterday, the circumstances around the death are vague still but the story told so far is that he was cleaning his gun. His parents still live in Palestine, they are burying him in TN. Yesterday as I was coming back from work traffic was backed up real far, as we pulled up at my stop I noticed there was an ambulance parked at the corner and a couple of cop cars. I thought nothing of it as I weaved through the crowded traffic and continued to my quiet apartment. Today I found out a student at the local high school a block from my house was shot. Shot in the back...Apparently an argument broke out between two kids that was "gang related" which then became racially charged and ended in this young boy getting shot. I think he was a Freshmen or perhaps a Junior, either way too young. Latest news is that he is in a suburban hospital getting treated, condition is critical but that hospital, since it is not located on the southside of the city, but rather in a South West suburb, has a good reputation. Sometimes it is easy to forget that is the reality, the reality of the South Side, the reality of the Gang violence that consumed this community just a decade ago. The reality that I am living in colonized space, whether or not that is how people would classify it in an "Academic" sense or a "Classical" sense the fact is that this neighborhood, which is paradise compared to the even worse projects in Chicago, is colonized. Colonized by the elite white power structure that runs the city of chicago, kept desolate and militarized. Humiliation by the enforces of the colonial regime, i.e. the cops, is a daily occurrence for my neighbors and their children. The economy of this area is underdeveloped, the "educational" system is in shambles, and the only money that comes here goes to create a stronger and more "efficient" police force. Or at least that is what is made obvious by the structure, design, and age of the Police stations in the area. The reality of this place is daunting on some nights, as I sit on the L with minimum of 30 minutes to kill before I can get anywhere or back home I often think of this area. I think of my community, and of the community I live in, and of work, and of what I am doing. What am I doing? Am I really making a positive change? What should I be working on so that I am really making a difference? Sometimes life here seems so surreal, I snapped a picture on the L ride back from my two hour CCA meeting today. The image with my eyes was much clearer, the Willis tower at night through the window of the L with my eyes trying to focus on both the reflection in the window and the image outside. The picture seems a bit surreal, just like my life does at this moment. I dont know what its all supposed to mean or how its supposed to pan out, but I do know a young man was shot yesterday and that is as real as it gets.

-محمد-

Week Two

Things have started to happen here on the South Side. Week one at the AAAN passed well, things are started to get settled in. There are now familiar smiles and laughs at the Network, the same youth with the same high pitched laughs as they work harder and harder into the afternoon. The same innocent smiles from the older women, ones who have seen more than I can even fathom but remain genuinely sweet and caring to everyone around them, its actually quite an amazing place. Life is interesting being the only non-female staffer in an organization, people make assumptions & have expectations towards me that I sometimes laugh at and sometimes cringe at, I suppose perhaps both parties can learn from it. Today as I sat attempting to write an e-mail one of the female staffers ran up to the door next to my desk that leads to the outside and pounded on the window calling me to go outside because two women needed help. I ran down the stairs only to find the most religious staffer, and the tiny old woman who cleans the network twice a week, pushing against a giant garbage bin in the alley way attempting to move it back into place. The wheels were locked, the bin is heavy, and so they decided they needed a "man". After much laughter and realizing the problem was that the wheel was stuck in a deep crack in the concrete we pushed the bin back into place. I looked at both the women and told them that it was obvious they were both as strong, if not stronger, than me and could have done it themselves, though I was more than glad to help out.
I returned upstairs to continue making calls to old white librarians in hopes that one of them would accept my proposal to hold an Arab cultural event in their library, fourth time was a charm, Bridgeview library called me back. After a prolonged conversation in which the old (white) woman told me that we were "all the same regardless of nationality" I reserved the space...now it's time to see what the event is going to look like. I am planning a family event, something around Arab culture in which all the community members, of all ages, can come learn/partake in something to do with the culture of their neighbors. Work seems to be panning out nicely, people seem to be adapting nicely to me in the office, my hair/mannerisms are the agents of many moments of laughter, I was called a lady from behind by one of the staffers today we both got a decent laugh out of it. I do not know if my coworkers have ever even heard the term "Gender-Queer" and I don't know of any equivalent in Arabic but God-damn they sure as hell are exposed to it 6 hours a day.
Of course nothing can be perfect and small tensions between another staffer and I have continued to grow. We are both new, the only ones not really known by the rest of the staff and she has decided that this means we are now competitors. Constantly challenging me and undermining me on everything ranging from work tasks to petty statements. She presents a difficult obstacle, how do I confront her? From day one she has not liked me, that was clear, but I do not know why...There is some obvious tension with us, besides the fact that we clash during work we obviously do not have compatible personalities, I truly hope I start to have things to do soon so that I will spend less time around her and the petty arguments we always seem to fall into, oh well things cant all be good I suppose.
Otherwise the South Side has treated me well for the past 17 days, it is amazing how I moved here only two weeks ago, it seems like ages. This part of the city is full of beauty and contradictions, I discover more and more about the history of the Arab community here everyday. It saddens me to think my people left the South Side for the South West Suburbs. True the Arab community was in the heart of some of the worst areas of Chicago...the Markaz is located on what was one of if not the most violent corners in Chicago only 10-15 years ago. However we traded all of the beauty of our diverse and strong community with our South Side Latino/a, Chicano/a and Black neighbors for a permanently oppressed status in a White community. People rioted outside the mosque and Islamic schools on 9/11, people got death threats, the neo-nazi's have made a resurgence there. 15 years ago our community was going through the painful realities of drugs, gang banging, and poverty. Now as we continue our life with poverty the drugs and gang-banging are following those of us who moved to the suburbs to escape it, the difference is the dominant culture doesn't want us as their neighbors. From the stories I have collected it seems we were never as othered in Chicago as we are now, for Bridgeview and Oak Lawn were never built for A-rabs, we traded our cracked pavement and tiny apartments for loop-de loop streets and a target on all of our heads. Now our poor members struggle to make it into the city for basic assistance from the state as their kids face verbal, psychological, and physical violence in their suburban schools. Sure maybe we gained the superficial security that a sleepy suburb offers...but what did we lose?
This are questions I continue to ponder as my job picks up steam and I find myself a defacto representative of the Arab community of Chicago. These are the same questions that the Arab community must ask as we look ourselves in the face. Because there is a LOT of problems to be tackled and the city/state/federal government sure as hell isn't going to solve them for us. Here's to some of those problems getting worked on in the next year of my tenure at the Markaz...who knows maybe some Sun will shine on the South Side again

-محمد-

First Day of Work

Today was the first day of work at the AAAN. Well not counting last weeks staff meeting, today was the first day of work work. That being said I still am in the same spot that I was probably about a month ago. Excited for what is to happen...but with no idea regarding what is happening, what has happened, and what is expected of me. Question regarding my position are met with blank stares and a lot of run around but in a way I suppose that is good in a way. No one breathing down my neck or trying to hover over me and control who I am contacting and what I am doing. At the same time however I feel like my entire position is one giant question mark. I don't know what I should be doing, sitting around the space for five hours everyday researching places I could possibly present at doesn't seem like the best use of my time but perhaps that is the only thing that can be done this early in the year, I hope as things pick up I will find myself doing more. Otherwise things are a bit rutty...trying to sort out personal problems and also getting anxious about my life in Chicago. Things are quiet...too quiet. I had grown accustom to life in a college town, always busy, or at least the ability to make myself busy. Had at least one or two people that I could waste the night with, but here I have yet to find that. Its hard to meet people in a city of 3 million, especially when any good encounters you have are never repeated. Things changed so fast over the past month and now seem to have settled into a place where I work until 3 in the afternoon and then spend the rest of my night around the apartment. Perhaps I can be more proactive about it, perhaps I can look into what the happenings around Chicago are at night, perhaps I could be better about trying to find things going on or places I could visit. Maybe that is just it, perhaps just a little mental rut that I need to get over by getting out and being proactive about doing things. Anyways if the weather stays nice this week perhaps I will check out some museums around town, and try to hit up some places that may help with my AAAN job. Here's to things getting better, cuz they cant stay bad forever...right?

Two nights and a day

So I have officially made my move, I am now a loving member of the South Side of Chicago...well sort of. Every time I move it seems that my room gets smaller, at least that's how it has been for the past 3 years, at this rate I dont know how long it will take until I am only living in a closet. The first night I spent arranging my room to a setup that is decent

Only the necessities, at least that is what I told myself I was moving in with but that is never the case. Anyways in the style of a true Chicago apartment I got myself a Chicago view from my bedroom window. However the view from the kitchen is much nicer, the neighborhood is a beautiful place.


The neighborhood is mostly Latino families, I have been told most of them are Mexican-American. There is something different about seeing children on the street, something different about walking down the street and seeing POC everywhere I go. In the Parks, in the stores, on the sidewalk, EVERYWHERE, it's very refreshing...something I feel I could get used to very fast. That being said I still dont know anyone, I am trying to figure out the best way about meeting people in Chicago, hopefully through work I will be able to meet some folks, and through friends of friends. Living this far south really hinders my chances of meeting people my age, or at least that's my impression, perhaps that will be proven wrong.
After getting settled last night, I woke up this morning, sat around and then decided to go out for a walk. I saw Marquette Park wasnt too far away and West Lawn Park was between here and there and so out I went in multiple layers due to the cold across town. This part of town is multifaceted. I can't imagine having grown up here, you can see reality all around you. This area is not somewhere the Mayor of Chicago would visit, not anywhere wealthy people would wine and dine, this is however real. There is also beauty in this, beauty in communities of color, beauty in the authenticity of the immigrants who populate this area. And beauty in the art that is inspired by life in this part of Chicago.

These two Murals are really one painted on the back of the building that I will be working in. The parking lot which the murals are painted in is surrounded by a giant metal fence, one that I could not have scaled even if I wanted to and doing so probably would have brought me some unwanted attention. So I settled for sticking my phone through the fence to snap the photos and they turned out pretty well. The clearer one on the left really epitomizes the area and its history. All the various peoples that make up this area most communities remain, while some such as the Arab community has moved mostly to the Southwest Suburbs.


This next mural is across the street from the SouthWest Youth Collaborative, same folks who did the other mural above. With its beautiful imagery perhaps my favorite part is the melding of two cultures exemplified at the very top where جنة is written in Arabic, which means Paradise.
After having walked for a good while I decided to return to the Palestinian grocery store/bakery that I visited yesterday for some breakfast/lunch which was way overdue at this point. After a 20 minute conversation with the store owner who was more interested in religion that anything else, I took my dozen falafel and began the trek back home. It was cold and in the freezing Chicago weather nothing is better than fresh, hot, falafel. Eating most of it by the time I got home (its a 20-30 minute walk after all) I put the rest on a plate with some hummus and sat down to enjoy my first Chicago meal, fresh (by this time lukewarm) Falafel and Hummus.


I took a nice long nap afterwords and now am spending the night inside. I would like to go out, but first its too cold, and second I don't know anyone yet. I am hoping most of my nights in Chicago don't turn out this way, but after one day I cant expect too much. Work starts on the 15th, if all else fails I will at least meet some people through the AAAN. Not bad for a first day in the Chi, here's to hoping they only get better

-محمد

And End and A Beginning

This is my blog I will be keeping about my transition and subsequent life in South Side Chicago... So welcome to Sunny Side South, the south side of everywhere is always sunnier: that is why if you grow plants put them on a south facing window, if you install solar panels they face south, and if you are a cat that takes afternoon naps...well you get the idea.

I left Madison yesterday after it was my adopted home for 3.5 years. Madison is...well Madison has been all right to me. Madison is where I got my degree, Madison is where I discovered what it meant to be QPOC, Madison is where I fell in love, multiple times. So with all of its overt/structural racism, horrific politics, awful teaching staff Madison has been good to me. However I suppose I shouldn't speak in the past tense about it, once you live in a place for so long, and meet so many people, I guess it never really leaves you. I believe some dead white dude once said "The Past is never really over, it isn't even the Past" So that is my feeling right now, there have been many wonderful people who's paths have crossed with mine and the knowledge, experiences, and love we exchanged is priceless to me. So I guess this is my first post, short and sweet, full of memories. As I move to Chicago on Saturday I will try to keep frequently updating, though I suppose we will see if that really happens. Anyways now I sit in my parents house watching the snow pile up as I make last minute preparations for my new life. The south-side awaits and I heard its going to be sunny there.

-محمد