Life in Contradictions

It seems that so much around me is full of contradictions lately. Things at the Markaz are well, comparatively I suppose. Work is not hard, its easy to go in everyday and chat it up for 3-4 hours with the womyn I work with before actually doing anything for the day. Everyone there intrigues me. H and I had a long conversation about what it was like the last time we returned back to our respective "homelands". We talked about desolation, destituteness, idleness. No hope, no change, people hustling to survive day to day. Its destroyed our culture, people have become selfish, capitalism is an amazing force. Arabs in the Arab world that exist in a capitalist, or often times psuedo-capitalist economy that was largely built on former or current colonial powers go through some horrific transformation. Our entire lives have been commodified, our interactions our daily tasks all come to serve the all-mighty dollar. I had never really thought about it in depth before H had said the simple phrase "Everyone is so Selfish" and after all she is right. Arab culture is something that makes me think generosity, frugality, and a true understanding in the dualism of the power and powerlessness of money and material. Perhaps its due to a strong influence of religiouness, perhaps due to other factors such as a culture and people evolving in an area of scarcity and abundance these contradictions that have shaped our culture for thousands of years. But this has now changed, everything is commodities, everything is prices, everything rises and falls with the New York or London stock exchange. No one helps their neighbor anymore, no one is generous towards strangers, things have just deteriorated. How can I know this with out having gone back for almost 6 years now? Because this same mentality has followed and manifested itself within the Arab-American community. The Arab-Americans are often like crabs in a bucket, we act as leaches on other poor communities in some areas, we act as each others enemies, the stories of generosity and the fleeting value of money are just that...stories, the reality has now become different. There is some glimmer of hope I suppose tho, there are still little actions. Muhammad at the bakery today took my loose change that totaled probably 36 cents and counted it as 50 in the Cash register so I wouldnt have to break a larger bill. He smiled at me and said not to worry about it. True its only 14 cents but beyond that is something deeper, something latent, thousands of years in the making, 14 cents is small change but there was something much more valuable about that interaction, and that unfortunately is something that is not repeated often. H's aunt passed away this morning as well, she was sick with cancer and it was not like it was unexpected but still. H seemed not hit by it yet, which is of course understandable, she came into work and just mentioned it in passing to R. R had a similar story to share, that a friend of her brother who lives out in TN died yesterday, the circumstances around the death are vague still but the story told so far is that he was cleaning his gun. His parents still live in Palestine, they are burying him in TN. Yesterday as I was coming back from work traffic was backed up real far, as we pulled up at my stop I noticed there was an ambulance parked at the corner and a couple of cop cars. I thought nothing of it as I weaved through the crowded traffic and continued to my quiet apartment. Today I found out a student at the local high school a block from my house was shot. Shot in the back...Apparently an argument broke out between two kids that was "gang related" which then became racially charged and ended in this young boy getting shot. I think he was a Freshmen or perhaps a Junior, either way too young. Latest news is that he is in a suburban hospital getting treated, condition is critical but that hospital, since it is not located on the southside of the city, but rather in a South West suburb, has a good reputation. Sometimes it is easy to forget that is the reality, the reality of the South Side, the reality of the Gang violence that consumed this community just a decade ago. The reality that I am living in colonized space, whether or not that is how people would classify it in an "Academic" sense or a "Classical" sense the fact is that this neighborhood, which is paradise compared to the even worse projects in Chicago, is colonized. Colonized by the elite white power structure that runs the city of chicago, kept desolate and militarized. Humiliation by the enforces of the colonial regime, i.e. the cops, is a daily occurrence for my neighbors and their children. The economy of this area is underdeveloped, the "educational" system is in shambles, and the only money that comes here goes to create a stronger and more "efficient" police force. Or at least that is what is made obvious by the structure, design, and age of the Police stations in the area. The reality of this place is daunting on some nights, as I sit on the L with minimum of 30 minutes to kill before I can get anywhere or back home I often think of this area. I think of my community, and of the community I live in, and of work, and of what I am doing. What am I doing? Am I really making a positive change? What should I be working on so that I am really making a difference? Sometimes life here seems so surreal, I snapped a picture on the L ride back from my two hour CCA meeting today. The image with my eyes was much clearer, the Willis tower at night through the window of the L with my eyes trying to focus on both the reflection in the window and the image outside. The picture seems a bit surreal, just like my life does at this moment. I dont know what its all supposed to mean or how its supposed to pan out, but I do know a young man was shot yesterday and that is as real as it gets.

-محمد-