I am not a religious person, nor am I really a believer in things such as "fate". I dont like the idea that I am not in control of my own destiny. I dont like to think that no matter what in the end it is not up to me, and worst of all, everything has been predestined to happen that way all ready. I feel that doesn't allow enough possibility for the totality of human expression. But I digress...the reason these things are on my mind is because there have been a few notable times in my life where I feel things are coalescing, that is to say many things seem to be intersecting. Now if I was a religious person I may say God is sending me a sign, but I am not...therefore I think it is just that my brain is making connections between things that are happening around me. There was a funeral for the mother of one of Youth on Monday. I didnt know the mother was sick, I got a text shortly after I woke up monday morning from a coworker telling me about the death and offering me a ride to go to the "wake" for lack of a better english term. There have actually been quite a few deaths surrounding marakz folks these past two months, or at least that is what it seems like. In addition to the deaths, and this one which was particularly powerful since I took part in the funeral rituals, there have been some seemingly big changes/occurrences. I feel like my life is rapidly approaching a cross roads, lately I have kind of felt that my life lacks direction or purpose, I thought that would come with this job, and it has to a certain extent, at least I am in the "real world" so to speak but I still feel antsy, feel worried, feel like I do not know what I am supposed to be doing...feel like I am not really accomplishing anything. I feel like there is an earthquake about to happen, I do not know how to describe it other than that. I have been attempting to follow the uprising in Jerusalem over these past few days as closely as possible. It sounds ridiculous to say but all of these things seem interconnected for me, I feel like I want to do something more, something bigger, something more global and connected. I feel like I am wasting my time discussing assonance and consonance with youth, there are more important things for them. There are more important things for all of us, why cant we harness it? Why do I constantly feel like something is missing, like I could be doing something more or something different. I want to also do more with the youth, I feel like we could be harnessing their life experiences and backgrounds more. What if we had a political education class as part of the program? A way to provide political analysis for the real life situations that the youth live everyday. Its not about "teaching" or "empowering" these kinds have the power, they dont need anyone to give it to them, they dont need anyone to teach them anything. Rather its just political analysis, something that they sure as hell arent going to learn in school, something that is deliberately not introduced to them. There are so many conversations I want to sit down and have with these youth, I feel like they have been robbed of their true identities. Robbed of the possibility to see anything bigger, anything larger, or to be able to examine their lives, why they are the way they are. Instead they have been inundated with the same personal responsibility, work hard for the American dream, bullshit and are convinced that things either happen in a vacuum or are completely unrelated to one another. Perhaps I have come off sounding high and mighty, that is the opposite of what I| am trying to do. Because the reality is I dont have anything to offer the youth I work with, they have it all, they have the absolute most valuable thing for them...their life experience. I dont got that, and shit my life is not one to be teaching from. Instead what I can offer is just a different angle to look at things, which is to say I dont offer anything that someone couldnt get from just tilting their head or adjusting the light level...its not about what I have to offer, because this narrative is theirs...not mine. But then again what is my narrative? What will my tombstone read on it when I'm dead...actually scratch that I dont want a tomb stone, I dont even need a marked grave, but what will my name mean in the minds of those who knew me? What am I supposed to be doing to get this feeling of urgency and hesitancy to go away? Yeah I definitely feel there is an earthquake coming and I dont know what is going to make it and what is going to be rebuilt...but maybe that is for the best
-M7
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Little Free Write
Saturday @ the markaz, mastering the pain
Slidin' down a slippery slope, still saying sane
Youth that don't listen, your cranium'll meet my cane
Asoonance & Consonance will grow your brain
Cuz if you wanna beat me you gotta train
Cuz I eat fake poets alive, spit out their names
I even beat the devil before, shit out his flames
After all what can you do today, talkin' bout the rain
Cuz we all sliding down that slippery slope, still stayin sane
Saturday @ the markaz, mastering the pain....
My first Saturday at work in a long time was spent with the Youth Program at the Markaz. Me and two other youth program interns led a workshop on assonance, consonance, and alliteration. After a break the youth were supposed to do a free write or to add to a piece that they will be performing in a month. Here is the best I can do in 10 minutes at the Markaz.
-M7
Slidin' down a slippery slope, still saying sane
Youth that don't listen, your cranium'll meet my cane
Asoonance & Consonance will grow your brain
Cuz if you wanna beat me you gotta train
Cuz I eat fake poets alive, spit out their names
I even beat the devil before, shit out his flames
After all what can you do today, talkin' bout the rain
Cuz we all sliding down that slippery slope, still stayin sane
Saturday @ the markaz, mastering the pain....
My first Saturday at work in a long time was spent with the Youth Program at the Markaz. Me and two other youth program interns led a workshop on assonance, consonance, and alliteration. After a break the youth were supposed to do a free write or to add to a piece that they will be performing in a month. Here is the best I can do in 10 minutes at the Markaz.
-M7
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Swing-of-things
Since the Narcicyst concert not too many strange or "bloggable" things have happened here in the Chi. I have started to find a bit of a niche, a bit of a routine so to speak...finally getting in the swing of things. A party on the north side last weekend left a bit to be desired, perhaps I have outgrown my "punk rock" phase, perhaps I just didnt feel the hour bus ride was worth the party that I got to in the end but either way it was fine. I spent most of the night in a hallway, carrying on nonsensical conversation with drunk folks while I was completely sober, until about 4:00am when I was dropped off home. The following night was much more fun, a sunday spent at my house, a couple of folks came by, we ate, drank, and were merry. It is always interesting to be able to talk to people who end up to surprise you in the sense that you thought you knew them already and they turn out to be someone different or you get along with them better than you would have expected so. The majority of sunday was spent with one friend until the rest of them joined a couple hours later, but it was comfortable, they know how to carry a conversation, are a comical person, and I like them more every time I see them and realize how off my 1st impressions were. Our evening was well spent, we all laughed and analyzed, talked about gender, culture, race...race...race..it's such a change to have POC in my life all the time everyday, its...wonderful.
Otherwise things at the Markaz are well, not much seems to happen, plus there has been a lot of reshuffle, now I am an official member of the youth program in addition to doing the cultural work that I got hired to do. Working with the youth program is a great experience, its wonderful to spend 3 hours a night with a group of inner-city youth of color. The last meeting there was a long conversation about the term "3beed", we sat in a circle and all went through our feelings. It was stressful as hell, seeing how far we have come as POC, seeing how badly internalized racism and racial privilege still affects us to this day. The conversation was tense, and surprising seeing how even the black youth said that they really didnt care about the use of the word. It got the point where people said "it doesnt matter what people call you, they are just words" or arguing that "the meaning changed so its okay". Throughout the debate that ensued a few of us argued about the word, about history, etc I dont think many people swapped sides. However it ended on a positive note with people saying regardless of feelings this was one of the banned words in the markaz, people can have their own issues outside the space, but inside that is not tolerated. The youth have also started to take a liking to me I think, we joke around, they seem to trust me to a certain level, and I am getting to know them all personally.
My job, and just things in general have really made me hone my politics. It has really brought to light the difference between academic la la theory and the reality. Nothing I learned in books, lectures, and seminars matters to the people that I actively talk to everyday. These theories are of course not useless inherently, but unless there is a way to communicate the importance to a group of people who dont have time to sit down for an academic lecture it makes no difference. Someone can stay locked in the ivory tower for decades and write about whiteness, race theory, etc etc but it has absolutely no effect on my co-workers, their children, my neighbors, or anyone else that I see on a daily basis. And therein lies the challenge of applying what I spent 3 years in Madison WI doing. How do I apply this knowledge, which I do think is valuable, to the realities lived by everyone around me and increasingly the realities lived by me? In the end, as frustrating as it is dealing with people sometime I realize truly that they are my people and that is above all that matters. We may disagree, argue, fight, but in the end they are my people, people of color and specifically within that arabs. And after all if we dont love ourselves...who will?
Otherwise things at the Markaz are well, not much seems to happen, plus there has been a lot of reshuffle, now I am an official member of the youth program in addition to doing the cultural work that I got hired to do. Working with the youth program is a great experience, its wonderful to spend 3 hours a night with a group of inner-city youth of color. The last meeting there was a long conversation about the term "3beed", we sat in a circle and all went through our feelings. It was stressful as hell, seeing how far we have come as POC, seeing how badly internalized racism and racial privilege still affects us to this day. The conversation was tense, and surprising seeing how even the black youth said that they really didnt care about the use of the word. It got the point where people said "it doesnt matter what people call you, they are just words" or arguing that "the meaning changed so its okay". Throughout the debate that ensued a few of us argued about the word, about history, etc I dont think many people swapped sides. However it ended on a positive note with people saying regardless of feelings this was one of the banned words in the markaz, people can have their own issues outside the space, but inside that is not tolerated. The youth have also started to take a liking to me I think, we joke around, they seem to trust me to a certain level, and I am getting to know them all personally.
My job, and just things in general have really made me hone my politics. It has really brought to light the difference between academic la la theory and the reality. Nothing I learned in books, lectures, and seminars matters to the people that I actively talk to everyday. These theories are of course not useless inherently, but unless there is a way to communicate the importance to a group of people who dont have time to sit down for an academic lecture it makes no difference. Someone can stay locked in the ivory tower for decades and write about whiteness, race theory, etc etc but it has absolutely no effect on my co-workers, their children, my neighbors, or anyone else that I see on a daily basis. And therein lies the challenge of applying what I spent 3 years in Madison WI doing. How do I apply this knowledge, which I do think is valuable, to the realities lived by everyone around me and increasingly the realities lived by me? In the end, as frustrating as it is dealing with people sometime I realize truly that they are my people and that is above all that matters. We may disagree, argue, fight, but in the end they are my people, people of color and specifically within that arabs. And after all if we dont love ourselves...who will?
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